Candid confessions

My blog has been a real friend of mine during one of my most depressing days. I don’t know why, but off late I had been extremely sad by the way things were going on. I was feeling like I am not spending a lot of time with my family. I felt I was taking life too seriously. I hated the politics that was going on in office. I never could bring myself to appreciate the Nepotism culture in my office. I was sad, I was depressed, I felt spent and most importantly - I needed change.

It was in this time that this blog kept me together. I could write about anything that fancied me. I could burst out in anger, I could complain like a child, I could laugh like a joker - and give a damn about what the world thinks. In a very strange way it soothed me and calmed me down.

Yeah, some people may think that writing is the last thing that a young man can do when he is agitated. Racing, sweating it out in Gym, playing a rough game, talking tough with others etc are better options they would say. While there might be another set of people who might say that even my writing is bad. They might say that my grammar is not good, my spelling stinks and more often then not the tone of the blogs are depressing. To all these people I have only one think to say - I don’t care what you think. This is my space and I decide what I write.

I have not been blogging for almost a week now. The answer to this would seem obvious after reading the above paragraph. I have been happy for the past one week. It has been extremely eventful. For one thing I got a great Job offer. The kind that I have been waiting for since a long time. I resigned from my present company. I got to say all the "not so good" things to my bosses. I was made to feel important by my bosses trying to retain me. I found out that there are really some people out there who like me - people who will miss me.

I have wanted to leave Hyderabad for quite some time now. I was beginning to feel that I am a prisoner here. Now after my resignation, leaving Hyderabad has become imminent. Now when I sit here and think about it, I feel strange. All the things that Hyderabad has thought me flash across my mind. It was here that I was robbed of 17,000 rupees. It was here that I was almost left homeless by a cheat. It was here that for 4 months I stayed in a locality that was the nearest thing imaginable to a slum. It was here that I made friends that will last for a lifetime. It was here that I had my first brush with ugly side police. It was here that I was perpetually chased by one particular "black dog". It was here that I evolved into a "Transmission planning engineer" from an Engineer pass out. It was here that I earned the respect of some very good people during the course of my life. It was here that I first understand how it felt like to be in Love. It was here that I first understood how sad it feels when you heart is broken. It is here that I saw the ugly face of office politics. Hyderabad to me is not a place, but a series of lessons.

I will be leaving Hyderabad on 14th of December. I will be going to a place that only the closest of my friends know. Frankly speaking, I am extremely afraid and nervous about going to a new place. I am soo nervous that I sometimes get nightmares. And I don’t care about confessing it. I was once afraid of coming to Hyderabad as well.

The Next 14 days are going to be a very bitter sweet experience for me. I can’t wait to live and relive these 14 days through these posts of mine.

PS: I am sorry if someone was expecting more explosive matter in this post - going by the heading :-)

Anticipation

I am having a strange feeling today. I don't know what I should term it as. Is it sadness? Is it anger? Is it passion? Is it impatience? Is it depression? It took me just a little introspection to understand this feeling. This feeling I am having now is – Anticipation.

Have you ever wanted anything so badly that every cell of your body wants to scream out? Have you ever thought how it might fell if someone sucks out all the oxygen from the air and asks you to breadth? Have you ever felt the helplessness that you feel when you long for something with your heart and soul and you are not allowed to talk about it? Have you ever imagined how a thirsty traveler feels at the sight of a mirage in a harsh desert? Have you ever thought how it feels if the thing that you have wanted and waited for happens to fall on the plate of someone else? Have you ever felt tied down to some mundane thing when you know something brilliant is waiting for you somewhere? If you have ever felt any of these feeling, you will know how I am feeling right now.
I sometimes want to shout out loud. I want the entire world to listen that I don't care a shit about what they think about me. I want to break all the rules in the book. I want to run wild. I want to put fire to entire world. I want to smash every adversary that comes in my way. I want to become a nightmare to the people to try to belittle me. The reason why I feel this is when I am not getting what I am anticipating.

The question naturally comes – What am I anticipating? I am sick and tired of clearing so many interviews and not getting a good Job – I am anticipating a new Job. I am sick and tired of being called a childish person – I am anticipating when I will grow up. I am sick and tired of making silly mistakes – I am anticipating when I will become mature. I am sick and tired of roaming aimlessly in this world – I am anticipating knowing the goal of my life. I am sick and tired of people seeing me as a clown – I am anticipating people to know the real me. I am sick and tired of people stepping over me to reach their goals – I am anticipating becoming a more prudent person. I am sick and tired of seeing people with their lover – I am anticipating finding my dream girl. I am sick and tired of licking my own wounds – I am anticipating seeing myself spreading and wings and soaring high in the skies. The list of my anticipation is endless…
God!!!! Can’t you hear my body screaming? Can’t you hear my heart beating? Can’t you see my passion burning? Can’t you see the darkness in my light? Can’t you feel the noise in my silence? Can’t you feel the pain in my happiness? Can’t you see the direction in my aimlessness? If you can, then – Please help me!!!

I cannot find words to continue. The best thing to do would be to stop here – with a smile :-)

MBA results out - Pappu Pass Ho Gaya !!!!!!!

It came as a pleasant surprise, a silver lining in the dark cloud, a lone lamp in a dark night. The results of my MBA 1st semester are out and guess what – I cleared the exam!!!!!!!!

The Marks too were too good to be true. I have got 70 in one subject, 71 in two subjects and 67 another. All the marks are out of 100. That makes my percentage to 69.5. Hmm…not bad for a person working and studying at the same time. Not bad for a person, who till about a six months back did not know a thing about Management. I am extremely happy with myself and all gung ho about the results I managed to pull off.

I literally called up everybody who mattered in my life to deliver this news. I call up my parents, I called up my sister, I called up my brother, I called up my relatives, I personally delivered this message to my friends, I spoke about it to my collogues, I SMS’s my Bosses to thank them for giving me study leave so that I could prepare for my exam. I was in broadcast mode yesterday. Almost everyone who heard the news was happy. Of course, there might be some pessimist’s out there telling that I am getting too exited over a trivial issue. They might feel that I have just finished my first semester and I still have a long way to go. To them I have to tell only one thing – Well began, is half done. I believe that we have to study hard and party harder. I have study as hard as I can for this exam and now, its party time.

This is not just about clearing my first semester exam. I have cleared quite a lot of exams in my time as a student. It’s much more then that. It’s my first stepping stone to a dream of having a Master’s degree under my belt. It has given me the confidence that with a little hard work I could as well go all the way to finish my MBA. It has inspired to take my coming exams with more zeal. I now have belief in myself and am sure that I will not leave any stone unturned to finish off my MBA course. I pray for God’s grace to finish my remaining exams with the same result. I thank God for giving being with me to clear this exam.

I now have my next semester books I front of me. I got two subjects and four papers. First subject is Management accounting and second subject is Introduction to quantitative methods. I just opened the book and skimmed through the contents. It’s now getting more difficult. At the first glance I was very happy. More then 75% of the book seemed to be filled with numbers and mathematical problems. I have always been fascinated with Math’s. I love Integration, differentiation, Trigonometry, Calculus etc. But it took me a little closer look to find out it was full of Statistics. Statistics!!!!!??? I don't remember to have solved statistic problems since school days. It’s going to be a totally different ball game. It’s going to be more difficult then pure mathematics. I do not know if I still have the energy and/or brains left with me to learn a new branch of maths. But what I do know is that I am not going to shy away from this challenge. I will go for it and give my best shot. I will try and learn to assimilate it in as many different ways as possible. I will not quit without giving a fight. Rest is left to GOD, and I have immense faith in him. :-)

Dewali Eve...

Day 2 in Belgaum was wonderful. Today is the eve of Dewali. More then the day itself, it's the traditions that it brings that I like the most.

Festivals in India are truly a ladies day. It's the ladies in the home that are the busiest. You can see them running around. Here down south, the ladies are dressed in their best. Shopping is done very briskly. Varity of food is prepared. Lot of Poojas are done (half of which I don't even understand). At the end of the day, ladies generally visit each other’s place to exchange sweets, good wishes and of course Gossips. Dewali would not be dewali without the ladies. I would definitely not have felt the spark of dewali if I had not had the food cooked by my sister and listen to God’s chanting from my mother.

As against the traditions of the day I woke up late. On this day, as per the traditions, we are supposed to take “Oil bath”. This is a specialty in this part of our country. What this actually means is that we have to smear ourselves with coconut oil. In the meantime mom has hot water ready for us. A few leaves of neem are them put into the hot water and we are supposed to have a hot bath. This, it is said washes away all the bad omen and brings you Good luck. I don't know about the good luck part of it – it defiantly relaxed me and made me feel drowsy. By the time bath is over and sleep was tightening its grip, it was time to have a hearty lunch. Felt very good to eat chapattis made my by small sister. Defiantly after a hot bath and hearty meal I could not stop myself. Slept like a baby – no tension yar – Its Dewali.

Tomorrow is the D day. Meaning tomorrow is Dewali day. I can’t wait to have the eat sweets (tomorrows specialty is a sweet dish called as "Holige" in our local lingo). I can’t wait to listen to the crackers. I can’t wait to see the night sky being lit up with fireworks. I can’t wait to see the beautiful “Rangolis” in front of everybody’s house to invite Mahalaxmi. I can’t wait to see the decorations done to everybody’s house in the night time. Oh God!!!! Why is everyday not Dewali? :-)

Back to home!!

I am back to Belgaum for Dewali!!!!! I am attaching a snap of our home that I took recently as a memoir. What you can see in the photo is the name we have given to our home. It’s “Tapasya” written in Kannada. For us it’s not just a house, it's a symbols of my parents struggle to have their own home.

It feels great to come to my home. It feels great to relish Mom’s food. It feels great to listen to endless stories mom has to say about innumerable people (why are you looking so lean? Why have you become so dark? Why are you eating so less? Do you know how granny is being treated by others? Uff, why are our relatives so haughty?). It feels great to answer a thousand and one questions that my dad has for me (How’s your job going on? Any investment plan? Did you apply for the Government job I told you earlier? Why are you awake so late? Any plans for purchasing a home?). It feels great when you walk out in streets and people smile back at you in admiration (oho you are working for Nokia? You are working in Hyderabad?). It feels great to listen to latest gossips from my sister. It feels great to see my sister walking up to me and showing her first offer letter. It feels great to listen to the great dreams my sister has for her future (Did you watch om shanti om? Did you see the clipping of my paper presentation? Do you know what salary my friend is getting? How I wish I could be employed like you). It feels great to see my small brother as a Doctor. It feels great see my brother’s childish maturity (He now has brought himself a toy gun using which he hunts down lizards – when they distract him while studying). It feels great to see the endless list of things my brother wants to own (Yesterday he wanted a communicator, today he wants a HTC touch mobile. Dig cam too would be a nice buy, you know. I wonder what will catch his imagination tomorrow). Its feels great to answer my brother queries (Is the binoculars I am using digital? Which is the latest mobile in the market? Why on earth does your Laptop not have a DVD reader? Have you seen my latest tour photograph? Do you have any latest games in your laptop? Why on earth are you reading a book on Buddha?)

Belgaum is a small district in Karnataka state. It does not even half the basic infrastructure as Hyderabad. But still this place is no less then heaven for me. Everything in Belgaum is great – Climate, people, greenery, jam packed buses – everything. For a change, it feels wonderful to be surrounded by people who genuinely care for you. I will be here till Sunday morning. I want to live every moment of it. I can never have enough of Belgaum. I love this place :-)

Change

Change is such a wonderful and ugly phenomenon – at the same time. Today I was filling up a form for certain job in my Dad’s bank. In that I was supposed to fill in the number of years I have worked in a particular company. It was then that I realized that I have spent 2.6 years in Hyderabad now. Amazing. Considering that I was not at all willing to come to this city in the first place. I tried to recollect what this city has thought me and how I have changed as a person since I came here.

Let me write the next few sentences as Susheel 2.6 years ago. When I first came to Hyderabad, I was extremely immature. I was very childish. I was very vulnerable. My friends have always been of the opinion that I talk too much. Very few people know the reason why I talk so much. My mind has always been very active. It is always thinking. It is always chattering. It is extremely restless. There are only two ways in which I can calm my mind. First is my putting my heart and soul into whatever I am doing. Almost to the point that people feel that I am an extra terrestrial and/or a mad scientist when I am working full throttle. The second way is to talk. Talk with anyone and everyone. Talk about anything and everything. It keeps my mind engaged and the people around me amused. I know I make a fool out of myself by talking. But it also calms me down and makes people around me to have an interest in me.

Today I am far more mature. I am definitely not childish. I don't know if anyone knows it or not – I always have a motive behind anything and everything I do. I feel guided my something by someone/something. I don't like talking as much as I used to before. I am still vulnerable but to very lesser degree. Also in all these years I learnt the third way of calming my mind. That was by writing. I learnt this third way of calming my constantly chattering mind by a very bitter experience. Writing down something on a piece of paper calms me down. It also refocuses me. I don't have to please anyone. I don't have to think worry about hurting anyone. This is one of the reasons why I started blogging. Yes I know that maybe no one will ever be interested in what I write. But I don't care. I write.

In a nutshell I can say I have changed quite a bit in the last 2.6 years. If the change has been for good or bad, only time will tell. But I understand that I still have a long way to go before I can say that I am truly a mature person. But I am sure I have started putting steps in the right direction. And who knows, with a little writing and a lot of musings, I might as well become the person I want to be :-)

Money

It’s so very strange – how a single conversation can make you think deeply. Today, a very old friend of mine called me. It’s been months since we had spoken with each other. We spoke about everything under the son. Slowly the topic turned over the topic of money. My friend is of the opinion that I don't understand the value of money. This got me thinking.

I have never been a very shrewd person when it comes to money matters. I am very simple and have pretty simple needs. And do not attach much importance to money. I do not invest much nor do I spend much. When I see people accumulating money, adopting unethical means to get a few extra bucks I have fell its rubbish.

Very soon my good old friend and I got into a friendly argument. He was of the opinion that today I do not realize the importance of money. But, tomorrow when I get married and have kids to take care of, I will repent for not having invested wisely now. He was of the opinion that I should not keep the money in my account, but, I should make it work for me, by investing in business, shares etc. Only money begets money. He was also of the opinion that we should not work “hard”. We should work smart (what ever that means). Also using a little unethical means (like producing wrong pay slips in interviews) is OK if it fetches you some additional money. I dismissed all his arguments as being too much inclined towards greed. He was adamant that if not today, I will definitely understand that he is right and I am wrong.

I thought over it hard. I do not think Money begets money. I think Money is just a byproduct of hard work and sincerity. I also believe that unethical means of earning money will not take you too far. I don't know how, but I think being unethical will not do well for you in the long run. And I also “feel” that God, in his very own way takes care of every need of a human in a very unique way. He opens he right doors at the right time. When I get married and have kids, I am sure I will be able to do my best even if I am not greedy or unethical today.

These are my beliefs. I do not know how correct they are in today’s Kalyug. Yes, my Good old friend might be correct. Yes, I might realize that I was not right. But till then I am happy I stick to my beliefs :-)

Decisions...

Decisions are such an important part of life. The very quality of our life depends on the decisions that we take on a day to day basis.

Just try and imagine the number of decisions that we take daily. When should I wake up in the morning? What should I do in the office today? Should I talk to the cute girl sitting across my table? Should I react to provocations by my boss? What kind of friends should I have? When should I quit an organization? Should I take a lucrative offer from another company? Should I call and patch up with an old friend? Are the things I am doing in line with my future plans? When should I Go on leave? How much love should I express to my loved ones? How do I organize myself so that I am ultra effective? How should I behave if people are taking advantage of me? How should I behave with manipulative people? What books should I read? When should I get married? How should I select my Bride? Should I go for arranged marriage or love marriage? How should I treat the people I come across? Should I use unethical means to get to my needs? How flexible should I be in my decisions...The list is endless…

But one thing is for sure. If I want to be truly successful, I should make efficient decisions consistently. It’s extremely difficult, but maybe with practice, I can achieve this.

Now let me make a very susheelish confession. As of now, I hate to make decisions :-)